“I want to be a whore for Halloween!” Allie gushed at the dinner table last week. As I tried not to choke on my dinner, she continued to elaborate. “I want to have gross skin, and yellow eyes and a shirt that shows my belly button.”
“Me too!” said Avery, sounding like every little sister EVER.
“Um,” I stammered. “What? Why? Where did this come from?” I anticipated that as the girls got older, they would no longer want to be ladybugs and fairies, but this was a bit much. I thought we’d at least have baby steps. There should be a gradual progression from 1st Halloween (baby pumpkin!) to 21st Halloween (sexy nurse!) and that progression does not include hepatitis-infected crack addicts. I was on the verge of suggesting she dress up like Ke$ha or Britney Spears, which shows the level of my desperation. “Please explain. I beg of you.”
“We saw the whores in our video game and they’re so cool and freaky looking,” said Avery.
Now, I know for certain that the raciest video game I play on the Wii is Super Mario Brothers. And the only time is is inappropriate for the kids is when I’m playing it and cussing at the screen in frustration. Ron swears I could make sailors blush with the invective I spew towards those damn flying Koopas. But I don’t call them whores. Sons of whores, maybe. And worse, probably. Then it dawned on me. In the playroom upstairs, we have an old Playstation 2 that we inherited from my sister. Could her ex-husband have left a copy of Grand Theft Auto behind?
“Yeah, Mom,” Allie continued. “Each village has a different whore. There is one that wears a red miniskirt and looks really evil. Then another one is fat and gross and kind of oozing from everywhere. It’s totally gross.”
“Totally,” I agreed. “Which game is this again?”
“Ron got it for us!” they said, and then Ron almost died from how hard I swiveled around and glared at him.
“But… I… not… I… but… ” Ron said.
“Yeah! It’s called ‘Whoreland’ and it’s totally spooky and awesome!”
Ahhhh. HORROR. Not WHORE. BIG DIFFERENCE.
The girls puzzled as to why Ron and I were nearly peeing on ourselves with laughter, but we just encouraged them to tell us more. Some of the horrors have special talents! Some of them steal your money! Some of them are really nice to you! They still haven’t figured out why their mispronunciation is so funny. But we can’t tell them yet because it will ruin our fun.
And no. They’re not going to be whores OR horrors for Halloween. Let’s just all be thankful I narrowly avoided suggesting Ke$ha.